mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
