Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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