Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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