someone threw a dead crab at me
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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