you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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