I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
