This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
