This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Randomize
