We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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