I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
