I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
