Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
