Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
