Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
