i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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