hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
