So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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