Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
