Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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