This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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