Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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