you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
