theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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