can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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