All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
