Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
