bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
