Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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