Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He shit in the fireplace
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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