Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
