I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
