I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
