I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
