Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
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