How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
