I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
