I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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