I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
