So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
