I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
