it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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