my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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