is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
