they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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