I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
