in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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