So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
