i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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