How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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