i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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