I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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