Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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