So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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